Chapter 184.1

Chapter 184.1

“Buy me some colored pencils.”

That was all Seoryeong said after a long time.

After having a conversation with Kia that felt like they were on parallel lines, she spent her days lying down, listening to the sounds of insects.

As several weeks passed, she began to feel pathetic for merely breathing without purpose.

She hadn’t left that person behind just to live in such a wounded state. In fact, she had left to avoid being hurt any further.

She couldn’t continue living like this. So, for the first time, she asked Kia for colored pencils.

She simply wanted to draw something.

“….”

Seoryeong tied her unkempt hair into a single ponytail and grasped the cold colored pencils. She began to draw something on the blank white sketchbook, letting her hand move freely.

‘How should I live from now on?’

As the lines on the paper multiplied, her thoughts branched out like the lines themselves.

Should she utilize her skills to open a small gymnastics class? Or should she return to work at a nursing home in a foreign country?

If she did that, could she live like she did before?

“….”

Seoryeong looked around the modest cabin, which was too small to be called a home, yet had a warmth to it.

Kia had gone out to work again today. Even when he was lounging on the carpet, he would immediately put on his priestly robes with a solemn demeanor upon receiving a brief phone call.

Seoryeong silently watched him while biting into a crisp apple. Who was he going to kill this time? She thought that absentmindedly, but didn’t bother to ask.

It was obvious what Kia, who had survived the Winter Castle and returned to the Sakhalin monastery, had to do. Seoryeong only half-believed her partner’s words about being forced to stay in Russia to find her.

Yet, despite all that, he seemed to enjoy going out to work.

Sometimes, he would rub his forehead against her shoulder as if he didn’t want to leave, but then he would whisper a prayer and tie his shoelaces. Once Kia left, the cabin would once again be enveloped in silence.

“I thought I could go back to being the old Sonya too…”

“Isn’t it strange…”

She pressed down harder on the colored pencil. Kia, who left around midnight and returned before sunrise, always brought back baguettes or soup, along with the faint smell of blood.

Some days, it was the pungent smell of chemicals. Other days, he wore black leather gloves.

Even though she had regained her childhood self and returned to her birthplace, she still felt lost. It was as if depression had set in, making her body feel heavy and limp.

“Ah.!”

Lost in her thoughts, she momentarily lost her grip on the pencil. The red and yellow pencils connected to form a circus tent as vibrant as a big top, and she drew a few white horses tethered to poles. Above them, sharp curves came together to form a person’s face.

Her unskilled hand could only clumsily assemble the facial features, but the moment she saw it, Seoryeong bit down hard on her lower lip.

A man she didn’t want to remember was smiling back at her from the sketchbook, however imperfectly. Even in this poorly drawn picture, he was the only one who came to mind, and her vision blurred instantly without warning.

“….”

‘Really, can I live like I did at the beginning, again?’

‘Can I live like I did before I met you?’

‘Now, I have these doubts. Is it really possible to live an ordinary life without you?’

‘I don’t know what you did to me. I reasoned with you harshly, I resented you, I even pointed a gun at you. And I turned my back on you without mercy. Yet, whenever I look at a sketchbook, I invariably want to draw your face.’

Seoryeong buried her forehead in the sketchbook and sat motionless for a long time.

Just then, a sound from outside the door made her quickly tear out the front page of the sketchbook and crumple it.

“…!”

In an instant, she splashed cold water on her face repeatedly to erase her crumbling expression, then stood up from her spot.

It was an instinctive action. She had scrubbed so hard that her entire face, from her eyelids to her cheeks, was flushed red.

When she opened the door and stepped out, she saw Kia, who had returned unusually early today, carrying something. His humming whistle reached her ears.

“Kia, what is that?”

She forced her voice to sound higher, straining past the low lock in her throat.

“Your present.”

He was carrying a rocking horse on his shoulder, the kind only small children would ride. It was a small wooden horse, now too small even for one of her thighs. The moment she saw it, Seoryeong scowled.

“Why did you bring something so useless?”

It was a memory she didn’t even want to recall.

She only remembered expressionless siblings, whose names and faces she could no longer recall, sitting on that very horse, rocking back and forth. Her younger siblings didn’t have the strength to survive the Winter Castle and ultimately didn’t make it. Her mood sank even lower than before.

“But it’s precious, Sonya.”

Seoryeong didn’t even have the energy to argue and simply averted her gaze. Kia, who was squeezing the horse into the yard, rocked his body and muttered, “It’s peaceful, Sonya.”

A feeling of frustration welled up inside her. She stared down at her own toes. Squeak, squeak. As Kia rocked back and forth, he suddenly grimaced.

“Though it’s kind of painful with my privates getting pinched.”

“Tell me.”

“Huh?”

“What happened. You’re in a good mood right now.”

“…!”