Chapter 85.1

Chapter 85.1

What else can I do besides that? Richard’s eyes seemed to say.

At his calm voice, Jasmine remained silent. They sat side by side on the bench for a while, watching the white clouds drifting across the blue sky, the endless river, the beautiful bridge, and the laughing and chatting people.

Richard gazed at the shimmering water with serene eyes. His pale, ivory-like profile was difficult to read, like ripples reflecting scattered light. Suddenly, Jasmine felt a strong urge.

What is he thinking right now?

Perhaps she would never know. They, who run on such parallel lines…

“By any chance.”

His voice broke through her thoughts.

“Is being with me painful and difficult for you?”

‘If I say yes, what do you intend to do with that answer?’ Jasmine absentmindedly tore at the thin paper wrapping the cookie he had given her.

“Why do you ask that?” she replied.

“Because I’m curious,” he said. And worried.

“What if it is difficult?”

“Then I would try to make it less difficult for you. Though that might make it hard for me.”

“…”

“Unlike you, not seeing you would probably be the most painful thing for me.”

He spoke as if it were someone else’s problem. The cookie in Jasmine’s hand crumbled into pieces. She spoke briefly.

“It’s not difficult.”

His blue eyes watched her as she put a piece of the cookie into her mouth.

“That’s a relief.”

“But it’s certainly not comfortable.”

The nuts inside the cookie crunched as she bit into it. She handed him half of the cookie, and as he took a bite, he let out a satisfied sigh.

“That sounds like you still care about me.”

Was he reading too much into it?

“It’s wishful thinking.”

“Wishful thinking?”

“What do you want to say?”

“I want to see you.”

Jasmine was taken aback. The direct confession was straightforward and clear. His blue eyes gazed at her steadily as if the waves within them would overflow and pour out towards her. He took a deep breath.

“I want to see you every day. If not every day, then at least once a week. Even from afar. Can’t I?”

“…”

“I won’t ask you to look at me. Just, just seeing you is enough.”

He whispered desperately, almost pleading.

“Jasmine.”

The more he added to his fervent whisper, the more unbearable it felt. It was as if fiery ants were crawling up from her toes, leaving red marks along the way, as if she would be left with burns. Jasmine’s eyes twisted in discomfort.

“Why?”

She asked sharply, almost snapping. She knew she shouldn’t ask, but she couldn’t help it.

“Why do you want to see me?”

Why is it so hard for you not to see me? Why is that your pain?

And realizing that a part of her hoped she was the cause of his suffering, Jasmine felt disgusted with herself.

Richard, who had been quietly observing her distorted expression, finally spoke.

“May I answer?”

The moment she met his eyes, she felt a sudden clarity. Jasmine instinctively realized that he would give a different answer than before.

“If I have the right to answer, I can say it right now, ten times, a thousand times.”

“If you ask me to answer here and now, I can respond to that question as many times as you want.”

The key that would define their relationship, the one thing she once so fervently wanted, but now only feared.

Jasmine’s stomach lurched. ‘Who is this person sitting in front of me? Is he really the Richard I knew?’

Richard’s expression, which had failed to maintain or even feign composure, completely crumbled. With a face full of anxiety and urgency, he looked at her with eyes and gestures that were tender, longing, and desperate to hold her. Her breath quickened.

Feeling dizzy, she leaned back, but he, unable to reach out and hold her, remained tethered like a beast on a leash, pleading with sorrowful eyes.

Look at me. I want you. I…

“Jasmine, I…”

Stop it, stop…

She felt cornered. Jasmine shouted urgently.

“I don’t want to hear it!”

Once she let it out, it was an excessively sharp and loud scream. It was filled with rejection, like a terrible death cry. Even Jasmine was startled by her outburst and glanced at Richard. The moment she saw his expression, she regretted it.

A profound wound, as if he had been brutally thrown aside, briefly surfaced and then vanished. But she had seen it. She had seen how deeply he was hurt.

Why did I do that? It was an excessively uncomfortable reaction. Now Jasmine fidgeted, unsure of what to do.

Even she hadn’t realized how strongly her past scars and trampled pride, her desire not to be hurt or dragged around like before, were still alive within her.

It was a bottom that lay unresolved, an abyss. Anxiously, she bit her lip. Ah, how ugly.

“I’m sorry. I mean, I…”

“Jasmine.”

Richard had calmed down as if nothing had happened. On the surface, he seemed unaffected. But Jasmine knew he wasn’t okay. His faint smile was entirely different from before.

“It’s alright.”

“…”

“You don’t need to apologize.”