Chapter 14.1

The pain in her chest grew bigger every day. Saying she missed her grandmother didn’t even come close to describing the agony that felt like it would stop her heart. At night, she would hug her grandmother’s clothes and cry silently under the blankets until she fell asleep, afraid the sound would reach downstairs. Her heart felt so empty she didn’t know what to do.

Now, she was truly alone. Accepting the reality of it all was unbelievably harsh. The only precious person she had was gone, and she hadn’t even been able to say a proper goodbye.

“Grandma, I miss you.”

She even had some dark thoughts at one point, wanting to follow her grandmother. She imagined that maybe then she could see the face she missed so much. Her life felt endlessly pointless, and she was consumed by a dangerous urge to let go of everything.

What pulled Yeon-ha back from the brink was her grandaunt, who came to visit. She said Yeon-ha couldn’t go on like this and helped organize her grandmother’s belongings. Now, all Yeon-ha had left were a few photos taken with her grandmother.

“If I could, I’d take you in myself…”

Her grandaunt said with a sympathetic look, slipping a white envelope into Yeon-ha’s hand. It was condolence money.

“This is all I can give to you.”

As Yeon-ha bowed her head, something else was placed in front of her. It was an old, worn-out passbook.

With a voice full of tears, her grandaunt added, “Your grandma saved this money for you.” At those words, Yeon-ha, who had been holding back her tears while helping organize her grandmother’s belongings, finally broke down. The passbook contained all the money her grandmother had saved over her lifetime. To anyone else, it might seem like a small amount, but Yeon-ha knew exactly what it meant and how hard it had been for her grandmother to save it.

“It’ll be tough, Yeon-ha, but you have to live bravely for your grandmother’s sake. Every time we talked, she couldn’t stop bragging about you.”

As she cried, she remembered her grandmother’s voice saying that Yeon-ha would succeed and live a good life. A painful realization struck her heart sharply: her grandmother had endured painful treatments just to be with her for one more day.

A deep-seated resolve took root in the place where her heart had burned away.

I have to live.

It wasn’t about wanting to live; it was a duty, not a wish. She had to let go of the illusion of wanting to be comfortable and just endure. She had to survive, no matter what.

Dying is a sin.

***

Time passed aimlessly. The late summer that had burned her heart gave way to a short autumn, and soon, the early chill of winter arrived in less than three months. During that time, Yeon-ha diligently stuck to her resolve. She didn’t need to try to heal her wounds or soothe her heart. She was alive, and that was enough.

At least on the outside, she seemed fine. She talked about her grandmother as if nothing was wrong in front of worried friends and even took up counseling sessions with her teacher.

The dead part of her heart didn’t show. Maybe she knew, but there was nothing she could do about it. She was too young to face and accept her devastated heart fully.

Unconsciously ignoring her rotting core, she convinced herself she was fine. She had to believe it to survive.

So she managed to hold on until the unexpected accident.

***

It was the first day of Yeon-ha’s new part-time job. The day after her college entrance exam, Yeon-ha found a job at a sandwich shop near her house. After a short interview, they asked if she could start the next day, and she agreed. She needed the money. Even the minimal costs for food, utilities, and daily expenses added up quickly.

Before she knew it, Yeon-ha had almost spent all the money her grandaunt had given her. All that remained was the money in her grandmother’s passbook, and she really didn’t want to touch that.

As for her college entrance exam, she thought she did pretty well, considering how unprepared she was. She had no idea what the future held, but she planned to work throughout the break to save up for tuition and rent. Her current lease was up in February, so the timing was almost perfect.

“I just need to focus on work.”

Thankfully, the shortened classes gave her some free time. As she headed out, she thought about finding a weekend job. Her face had grown thin, and a vacant expression had become her default.

Two days ago, after her exam, there was no family to share a warm meal with or a comforting hand to pat her back. Overcome by hunger, she had bought kimbap from a convenience store, hurried home, wolfed it down, and slept like the dead.

The next day, she had her job interview, and because she had lost her appetite, she skipped meals as usual. “I need to give it my all,” she told herself.

Determined, Yeon-ha started down the stairs, but suddenly, her vision blurred. Her legs, used to moving quickly, gave out. For a moment, she felt like she was floating, and then searing pain enveloped her frail body.